Meet Sarah
Author of The Ungraceful Untangling blog
Hi, my name is Sarah. I’m 42 years old and a survivor of 41 years of mental and emotional abuse from my narcissistic dad. The good news is I’m still here. There were times I thought my panic attacks, chronically ill body, and utter sadness would kill me. The bad news is it took me 41 years to finally put myself first, but you know what, I choose to see this as good news as well.
Am I free? Hell no. Am I safe? Yes…with fine print. What does it mean to be safe? Am I now in a scenario where I am no longer a victim to my father’s manipulation, gaslighting, and toxic love bombing? Yes. Do I feel safe in my body? Not at all. This is the state of my healing journey that I’m currently in and one that I have decided to write about. It’s going to take me a long time...I should be optimistic...a certain period of time to feel safe again in my body.
The reactions and emotions I have been trained to feel for four decades are still there and are still the first to show up when I’m triggered. For example, last week, my dad sent me a text message (still deciding if I’m going to block his texts) that sent me into a 30-minute vasovagal episode. I know damn well that this was my body’s way of giving me a slap in my face answer. But this also reminded me that my mind and body have a lot of healing and recovery ahead.
Let’s throw another complicated layer on top of this - six years ago, I was diagnosed with rare, incurable brain and spine diseases. Here’s my alphabet soup of diseases and conditions list:
Arnold Chiari Malformation I
Syringomyelia
Empty Sella Syndrome
Idiopathic Intracranial Hypertension (pseudotumor cerebri)
POTs (Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome)
Reverse Cervical Lordosis
Upper Cervical Instability (UCI)
Atlantoaxial Instability (AAI)
I’m not going to get into all this right now, but I will be exploring chronic illness, pain, self-identity crises, and the impact of life-altering events in future posts. So not only am I healing emotionally, but also physically, and I believe that the former has had a positive impact on the latter for me. No, I’m not going to shove the “just have a positive mindset” down your throat or even say it again. But I will share how my healing work has changed my mindset, calmed down my nervous system, softened my hard as a goddamn rock back muscles, and allowed me to manage my symptoms in a healthier way.
I feel a buzz of excitement and anticipation as I’m sitting here drafting this first blog post. Creativity has always been my outlet, and even though I have a long way to go, I feel with 100% certainty that sharing my experiences with you is going to help me get there, and hopefully resonate with and help other people going through, you know, life.
Thank you for spending the time to learn a little more about me. All are welcome here. Not all will stay, but for those who do - I promise you this - you’re going to get my unfiltered raw honesty, pen to paper authentic thoughts (not AI copy and paste shit), and vulnerable, intimate details of my healing journey.
I’m not that person who’s fully healed and setting out to teach you everything they know and how you can get there too. I am a person who has made a commitment to herself, to her healing, took some steps, learned some things, and as a result, feel hopeful, more at peace, and a bit restored. I’ve chosen to pour love into myself and it starts with this blog.
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